Elite Edge | Vol 2 Week 43

They call you intimidating.

You call it being comfortable with yourself.

After 25 years of interviewing executives, here's something I want you to understand about executive presence: you can be kind, warm, and generous, and still get called intimidating.

I've been called that myself. And when I reflect on why, I recognize a lot of the behaviors in this issue in me. Sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously. I'm comfortable with silence. I'm comfortable taking up space. And I don't need everyone in the room to approve of me.

Now, you see me on social media in three-minute clips, and you probably think, "Deepali has A LOT to say." 😂

But one-on-one? I'm often the person who speaks the least.

My dad used to tell me, "Only fools speak first."

That was his way of teaching me to listen before jumping in. Let people finish. Hear what they emphasize, what they avoid, and what they actually mean.

Listening is powerful. Especially when your job is to understand people. And it turns out it's one of the most underrated parts of executive presence.

A couple of weeks ago, we talked about the hidden job market, where the best roles get filled before they're ever posted. That's how you get into the room. This week is about what happens once you're in the room. Because the referral gets you the meeting. Presence gets you the offer.

Let's go.

🔍 The Breakdown: Confident vs. Intimidating

Here's the uncomfortable truth: confident and intimidating often look exactly the same from the outside. Same calm. Same eye contact. Same willingness to sit in silence.

The difference isn't what you do. It's how the other person feels when they leave the conversation.

• Confident people leave others feeling seen.

• Intimidating people leave others feeling small.

Same posture. Same pause. Completely different result.

Notice the pattern? Every confident behavior has a warm version and a cold version. Executive presence lives in the warm version.

What the research actually says

Executive presence is mostly how you act, not how you look. Economist Sylvia Ann Hewlett's research surveyed thousands of college-educated professionals and senior executives on what makes someone look like leadership material. The breakdown:

• Gravitas (how you act): 67%. Confidence, composure, decisiveness, grace under pressure.

• Communication (how you speak): 28%. Clarity, reading the room, being concise.

• Appearance (how you look): 5%. It matters as a first filter, but it's a floor, not a strategy.

So if you've been told you "lack presence" and your first instinct is to buy a new blazer? That's the 5%. The real work is in the 95%.

And the definition is shifting toward warmth. When Hewlett re-ran her research a decade later, confidence and decisiveness were still at the top. But inclusiveness, respect for others, and authenticity had become far more important. In other words: the "command the room and dominate the conversation" version of presence is aging out. The leaders getting promoted now are confident and make other people feel included.

People judge warmth before competence. Harvard researchers Amy Cuddy, Matthew Kohut and John Neffinger made the case in Harvard Business Review that leaders who project strength before they build trust risk making people afraid of them. Their advice: connect first, then lead. A nod, a smile, an open posture. Small signals that you're glad to be in the conversation.

The part nobody says out loud

"Intimidating" is not a neutral word. It doesn't land evenly.

When linguist Kieran Snyder analyzed 248 performance reviews from tech companies, she found that personality criticism like "abrasive" or "watch your tone" showed up in 71 of the 94 critical reviews women received, and in only 2 of the 83 critical reviews men received. The word "abrasive" alone was used 17 times to describe 13 different women. It never appeared in a man's review. It's one study, in one industry, from 2014. But if you've ever wondered why the same behavior gets called "decisive" in one person and "intimidating" in another, you're not imagining it.

So here's how I want you to hold this:

Being called intimidating isn't automatically proof of executive presence. If people consistently feel dismissed by you, that's feedback worth hearing.

But you also don't need to apologize for being comfortable with yourself.

The rest of this issue is how to tell the difference, and how to adjust without shrinking.

📕 The Unwritten Rules

Rule 1: Only fools speak first. The person who speaks first is usually the person who's most nervous. The person who listens first gets the information everyone else missed: what was emphasized, what was avoided, what was actually meant. Then, when they speak, it lands.

Rule 2: Presence is measured by how people feel, not by how much you said. Nobody leaves a meeting thinking, "She talked the most, she must be the leader." They leave thinking about the person who asked the question that changed the conversation.

Rule 3: Nervousness talks. Confidence finishes. A perfectly good answer turns into a five-minute explanation nobody asked for when you don't trust the pause. Answer the question. Finish your thought. Stop.

Rule 4: Every apology you didn't need to make costs you. "Sorry, this might be a stupid question." "Sorry to bother you." "I just wanted to quickly..." Each one tells the room to take you a little less seriously. Save your apologies for when you actually did something wrong.

Rule 5: You can respect someone without agreeing with them. Auditioning for approval looks like nodding along to everything. Presence looks like "I see it differently," said calmly, and then explaining why.

Rule 6: Warmth is a dial, not a personality. You don't have to choose between being liked and being respected. You can turn warmth up or down depending on the room, and keep your confidence exactly where it is.

🚩 Red Flags

Executive presence can go wrong in two directions. Check both lists.

You might be shrinking yourself if...

• You start questions with "Sorry" or "This might be a dumb question."

• You end statements with "...if that makes sense?" or "...but I could be wrong."

• You fill every silence, even when your answer was already complete.

• You agree in the meeting, then disagree in the hallway afterward.

• You make yourself physically small: hunched shoulders, folded in, perched on the edge of your chair.

• You rehearse an elevator pitch but never rehearse your listening.

• You feel like you have to say something in every meeting to prove you belong.

You might have tipped into intimidating if...

• People stop bringing you bad news, or bring it to someone else first.

• Your team goes quiet when you walk in, and loud when you leave.

• You're often the first to answer, and the conversation ends there.

• People describe you as "hard to read" in more than one review or conversation.

• You check your phone or scan the room while someone is talking to you.

• You hear disagreement and immediately start defending yourself.

• You can't remember the last time someone on your team pushed back on you.

If you checked three or more on the first list: this issue is your permission slip to take up space.

If you checked three or more on the second list: don't change your confidence. Change your warmth. The toolkit below shows you how.

🛠️ The Elite Edge Toolkit: How to Build Presence Without Becoming Intimidating

Tool 1: The Six Habits (and How to Practice Each One This Week)

1. Get comfortable with silence. You don't have to rescue every pause. Answer the question, finish your thought, and let it land.

👉 Practice: In your next three meetings, after you finish speaking, silently count to three before you add anything. Most of the time you'll realize there's nothing to add.

2. Make steady eye contact. Natural eye contact. Please don't stare someone down like you're interrogating them. Give them your attention without constantly scanning for someone more important.

👉 Practice: Hold eye contact until you finish a full thought, then glance away naturally. At events, keep your eyes on the person in front of you until the conversation ends. Phone in your pocket, not your hand.

3. Stop shrinking yourself. Sit comfortably. Stand comfortably. Drop the "Sorry, this might be a stupid question." Ask your question.

👉 Practice: Sit all the way back in your chair, feet on the floor, hands on the table, not in your lap. On video, sit back far enough that your shoulders are in the frame.

4. Say less, but make it count. You don't need to contribute to every sentence. Ask the question that moves the conversation forward. People remember that.

👉 Practice: Before you speak in a meeting, ask yourself one question: "Does this move us forward, or does it just prove I'm here?" If it's the second one, hold it.

5. Stop auditioning for approval. You can respect someone without agreeing with everything they say. "I see it differently" can be a complete, calm response.

👉 Practice: Use the phrase "I see it differently" once this week. Say it calmly, give one reason, and then stop. Notice that the world doesn't end.

6. Stay composed without becoming cold. You can pause before answering. You can hear disagreement without rushing to defend yourself. And you can do both with a smile.

👉 Practice: The next time someone disagrees with you, say "Tell me more about that" before you say anything else. It buys you time, it makes them feel heard, and you'll almost always learn something.

Tool 2: The Words to Delete

Small words do big damage. Here's your swap list:

Notice the last two. Deleting weak words makes you sound more confident. Choosing the right words keeps you from sounding cold.

Tool 3: The Warmth Dial

Here's your networking hack: adjust the warmth, keep the confidence.

Want to come across as more authoritative?

• Slow down slightly.

• Use clear, short sentences.

• Finish without adding three disclaimers.

• Lower your pitch at the end of a sentence instead of letting it rise like a question.

Want to come across as more approachable?

• Smile first.

• Say their name.

• Ask a thoughtful follow-up question.

• Share something small about yourself so it feels like a conversation, not an interview.

You can do both in the same room. In fact, the best leaders I place do exactly that. They're warm in the first two minutes and clear in the next ten.

When to turn which way:

• Turn warmth UP: first meetings, networking events, talking to someone junior, giving hard feedback, when you've been told you're intimidating.

• Turn authority UP: presenting to a board or senior team, negotiating, when you've been told you "lack presence," when you're the youngest or newest person in the room.

Tool 4: Your Next Networking Event

At your next event, stop putting pressure on yourself to sound impressive. Instead, try this:

Open with:

Then actually listen.

Then follow up with one of these:

Your follow-up question will do more for that connection than a rehearsed elevator pitch ever will. And when they ask about you, use the forwardable blurb from my hidden job market issue (Week 41). Two sentences. Then turn it back to them.

Bonus: Within 24 hours, send a short note that references something they said. "Loved hearing about the [project]. Good luck with [the hard part]." That's how you get remembered as someone who listened.

Tool 5: The Intimidation Check

If you've been called intimidating and you're not sure whether it's bias or real feedback, don't guess. Ask.

Pick three people who will be honest with you: a peer, someone who reports to you (or used to), and someone more senior. Then ask:

Then do the hardest part: listen, say thank you, and don't defend yourself.

How to read the answers:

• If they describe your confidence ("You're direct," "You don't waste words," "You're calm under pressure"), that's presence. Keep it. Just turn up the warmth.

• If they describe how people feel around you ("People are scared to push back," "You can be dismissive," "You cut people off"), that's feedback worth acting on.

• If you hear the same thing from all three, it's real. If you hear it from one, it's data. Keep watching.

Tool 6: Your 7-Day Presence Practice

Stop counting how much you said. Start counting how many people felt heard.

✨ ELITE TOOLS, HACKS & TIPS (New) ✨

Tool of the Week: Yoodli

You can't fix what you can't hear. Most of us have no idea how many times we say "um," how fast we talk when we're nervous, or how often we turn a statement into a question.

That's why this week's tool is Yoodli, an AI communication coach that gives you private, judgment-free feedback on how you speak.

What it does:

• Analyzes your speech for pace, filler words, and how concise you are.

• AI roleplays so you can practice an interview, a pitch, a tough conversation with your boss, or a networking intro before the real thing.

• Feedback on recordings you upload, so you can review a real presentation and see where you rushed or over-explained.

How to use it this week:

1. Answer "Tell me about yourself" out loud. See how long it takes and how many filler words you used.

2. Practice the networking opener from Tool 4, then a two-sentence answer about yourself.

3. Roleplay a disagreement and practice "I see it differently" until it sounds calm and natural.

4. Re-record at the end of the week and compare.

Remember Rule 3: nervousness talks, confidence finishes. Yoodli shows you exactly where you stop finishing.

💵 Starter: Free (5 practice sessions) 💵 Pro: $8/month billed annually (up to 10 roleplays a week) 💵 Advanced: $20/month billed annually (unlimited roleplays; eligible for employer reimbursement as professional development) 🔗 https://yoodli.ai

📚What I Read This Week…

"When Executive Presence Backfires," Amii Barnard-Bahn, Harvard Business Review (April 2026)

This one stopped me, because it's the other side of everything in this issue.

Barnard-Bahn argues that some of the habits that help you get promoted can start working against you once you hold real power. She names three traps:

• Acting like the expert in every room. It made you valuable as an individual contributor. As a senior leader, it narrows the information that reaches you.

• Projecting too much confidence. Certainty that once read as leadership can start to erode trust when you're never willing to say "I don't know."

• Being too eager to add value. Weighing in on everything feels helpful. It can leave your team disengaged, because there's no room for their ideas.

Her fix: listen more, ask sharper questions, admit uncertainty, and let other people own the ideas.

My read: This is exactly the line between confident and intimidating. Early in your career, presence is about taking up space. Later, it's about making space. The executives I see get to the very top aren't the ones with the most airtime. They're the ones who walk in, listen for twenty minutes, and ask the one question that changes the whole meeting.

Only fools speak first.

Read it here 👉 https://hbr.org/2026/04/when-executive-presence-backfires

🎙️What I Listened to This Week… (Podcasts)

🎙️This was such a good coversation between Sahil Bloom and Jefferson Fisher…

Until next week,

You’ve got the Edge. Now sharpen it.

Until next week,

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